A “Dog Guy” and His Missing Kittens

“They’re all dead,” Nicole thought as she paced around our large, wooden deck.

“Squishy hasn’t gone under there in over two days, and there’s no way two-week-old kittens could have possibly survived that long without milk.”

During those two days, with mounting concern, she had done some research to see how long young kittens can live without being fed. The consensus: (after more than 4 hours without milk (which is both food AND water for them) two-week-old kittens often require medical attention to survive). There is no way they had survived this long.

(Look below for photo descriptions.)

Nicole gave me her assessment and I started to think about how we might get to their bodies to prevent a foul smell from surrounding our front door. We didn’t even know how many kittens there were, because we had never seen them. Squishy (named by Chandler, our 12-year-old daughter) gave birth to them under our front deck, in an area that is impossible to access without removing the deck planks. She had spent most of her time under there taking care of them until recently. Now she never goes beneath the deck and looks like she’s about to explode due to not having an outlet for her milk.

I’m not what you would call a “cat guy”. In fact, if someone were to call me a “cat guy”, I would make sure the record was corrected immediately. Either that person does not know me at all, or if they do know me, they are cracking a joke or are using it as an insult. Yes, I would take being called a “cat guy” as an insult. Everybody knows Brian is a “dog guy”.

Being a “dog guy”, I’m pretty psychologically well-rounded and can be sympathetic, even to cats, when warranted. As such, Squishy and Toast (again named by Chandler, who loves breakfast foods and enjoys naming our animals after them. Just ask our hen, Waffles. Wait…a coyote got Waffles. Never mind. She did have a good run, though.) Where was I? As such, Squishy and Toast do kind of have a special place in our hearts. You see, one Friday evening Nicole was going to pick up pizza at Papa Murphy’s in Joplin for the four of us. As she turned left from Cedar Dr. onto Rangeline, she saw a cat in the middle of the road that had very recently been run over. As she was taking in the sad sight, she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. She looked to the side of the road and two tiny kittens, huddled safely away from the traffic, were crying for their mom. Nicole had a decision to make.

Nicole LOVES animals. But it’s not just that…she is amazing with them. Whether it’s training our beloved yellow lab, Magnus, or working with our horses in the arena, you can witness her come to life when she’s interacting with them. I’ve even seen her take a tiny doe I found under our SUV one morning, lovingly hold it as she removed all of the ticks with a pair of tweezers that were blinding it, then carefully conceal it in a wooded spot in our pasture, only to watch as the mother came back for it that evening.

THIS Nicole witnessed the two orphaned kittens and instantly decided they would become the new barn cats we had been talking about acquiring. She brought them home in a small box to a very excited daughter, and a husband who thought they were cute, but was also a tad concerned…because they were cats.

Toast and Squishy spent a lot of time growing up at our house, especially for “barn” cats, and as they got older, Nicole moved their food down to the barn to make the move official. This meant that the “barn” cats now occasionally went down to the barn to eat, but spent the majority of their waking hours by our front door, and as such became “deck” cats. Even so, with Nicole having rescued the orphaned kittens, then raising them at our house, we had all (yes, me included) grown rather attached to them.

The two spoiled cats got a bit older and their scheduled visit with the vet came up. We really wanted to ensure that the feline population at the Phillips family farm remained at dos gatos (that’s two cats in Spanish), so this pet visit was quite important. However, the day of their appointment, Nicole received a call from the vet letting her know that she would have to reschedule because that part of Joplin was temporarily without electricity.

“Did she reschedule?” you ask.

“Would I be writing this if she did?” I ask in return.

The fact that Nicole had literally rescued Squishy only increased our connection to our cats. Now, Nicole was feeling sad, even though she had never set eyes on Squishy’s offspring, and she was resigning herself to the fact that she never would.

The next morning, my phone rang, and as always, I looked to see who was calling before I answered. It was CD, my good friend and the general contractor who has been overseeing our home remodel for the past year and a half.

CD jumped right in.

“Did one of your cats have kittens?” he asked.

“Yes,” I responded.

“How many?”

“I don’t know, CD. We’ve never seen them. She had them under our deck. Maybe 3 or 4.”

CD sometimes had odd questions, but didn’t normally call me first thing in the morning to quiz me about kittens, so I knew something was up.

“Why?” I asked.

“Wayne took the debris trailer to the dump and after it emptied we heard crying. We were freaked out and started digging through the construction trash and found kittens….four of them.”

This is not where I thought he was going to go with this.

For most of the past year and a half we have had a dump trailer outside of our house, so I immediately assumed that Wayne (CD’s project manager) had taken the trailer directly from our house to empty it, and then bring it right back. I’ve seen them do that a dozen times. What I was about to hear, however, especially in light of what Nicole had told us about how long kittens can live without being fed, would make me wonder if the whole “9 lives” thing might not have some truth to it.

“I assume it’s them, CD, but Squishy hasn’t gone under the deck to take care of them for a while. When did Wayne grab the dump trailer?”

“Three days ago. He picked it up and took it to my office first. It sat out in the parking lot until the next day.”

“It’s 100 degrees outside, CD. And they didn’t even have water.”

“I know. Then he took it to another job where they dumped a bunch of concrete in it,” CD further explained.

“It stayed there overnight, then it came back to my office yesterday. This morning it was full, so he was going to dump it before he took it back to your place.”

“They’re definitely our kittens, then, because that’s about how long they’ve been missing.”

“Okay. That’s crazy! Wayne and I have them in a box, so we’ll bring them to your house right now.”

I hung up the phone and just stood there for a minute. “That IS crazy!” I thought.

I went into the living room where Nicole and the kids were. “So…CD just called…” and I recounted our conversation. Not long after I finished, CD and Wayne pulled up in a very familiar white truck. CD climbed out with a small box in his hands and we all went outside to meet them. Inside of the box was four crying kittens that somehow looked perfectly healthy.

Squishy must have heard her babies, and within moments, was by our side. Nicole then grabbed a bulb tote from the basement, put a towel in the bottom, and after three days of being apart, reunited a very happy mom with her babies.

Update: I originally wrote this a couple of months ago and have been meaning to wrap it up to post it, but I’m just now getting around to it. Since I originally wrote it, we have found amazing homes for 2 of the kittens and we found a new home for Toast. Nicole gets pictures from their new owners and all of them LOVE the new addition to their families.

Photo 1: Spoiler alert! The 4 kittens were not dead! This is a couple of weeks after we got them back.
Photo 2: Shortly after Squishy (right) and Toast (left) were rescued by Nicole, she gave them a much-needed bath. They loved it!
Photo 3: Squishy (left) and Toast (right) are in their rebellious teenage phase. You can tell just by looking at their expressions. “Stop taking my picture!” Toast would be saying.
Photo 4: This is the actual trailer the kittens were moved to by Squishy, most likely to get them away from the watchful eye of Ivan, my mother-in-law’s giant Schnauzer.
Photo 5: Uncle Magnus (our amazing yellow lab) LOVES the kittens! He just wants to be their friend but often gets a little overbearing and they have to scare him away.

Here are a few more pictures, just because they’re cute.

This is Wayne, named after the man who rescued them from the debris.
Squishy took very good care of her 4 babies. We’re still waiting on the dad to start paying kitten support.
Our daughter, Chandler, shares her mom’s love of animals.
We left an opening in the deck so that Squishy, Marcel (name inspired in part by Marcel, the Shell with Shoes On and by the famous French mine, Marcel) and Wayne can always escape from their nemesis, Ivan.
Uncle Magnus often goes to the deck looking for his friends to see if they want to play. They typically hide under the deck when they see him coming.

The Tale of the $15 Big Mac

I love a good road trip! Load up the family, fill the SUV with a bunch of stuff you don’t

Thatcher Push Pop
Nicole has a family tradition on road trips. At every pit stop, you buy treats! Candy, soda…candy, pork rinds (if you’re my brother Allen). Thatcher is showing off his Push Pop, completely unaware that I should be greatly offended.

need, plus some clothes, and head off on an adventure. The only drawback is that sometimes you get hungry when you’re in the middle of nowhere. That’s when you get desperate. And when you get desperate, you eat McDonald’s. And when I eat McDonald’s, I typically regret it.

On a recent road trip down to visit my parents in Houston, we were in a small town in Oklahoma and we got desperate. “When are they going to start putting a Chick Fil-A in small towns?!” I asked with frustration as we pulled into a McDonald’s. I walked in with Thatcher to get a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries and an ice cold Sprite. I have eaten the exact same thing there for over twenty years.

I looked up at the menu and started ordering.

“I’ll take a 99 cent fries, a medium Sprite, and a FIFTEEN DOLLAR DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE?!!!”

Panic set in as my eyes quickly scan the menu. Big Mac – $15! Quarter Pounder with Cheese- $15! Bacon Clubhouse Burger -$15! McDouble – $15!

“What the he…!” I stop just in time and look down at my 6 year-old son, Thatcher. He senses my panic, so now he’s panicked, even though he has no idea why.

“What’s wrong, Daddy?!”

“Every hamburger is fifteen stinkin’ dollars!” I reply, eyes still wide, staring at the menu. My mind starts racing back to old Twilight Zone episodes. “This is what it feels like,” I think to myself.

“So. You have more than $15, Daddy.” he says with a little levity coming back into his eyes.

“Yeah, but….it’s a McDonald’s hamburger!”

[Let’s pause here and provide some commentary.]

Completely unbeknownst to me, last week Congress passed the controversial “Burger Flipper Bonus Bill” to help provide a “living wage” for those working in the fast food industry. Its contents were uncommonly brief. “All burgers at fast food restaurants must cost a minimum of $15.00.”

[Resume “The Tale of the $15 Big Mac”]

“Can I just get a regular burger, Daddy?” Thatcher asks, still trying to wrap his mind around the situation.

McDonald's big mac beef burger
Ain’t no way I’m paying $15 for that!!

“No you can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it costs $15!”

My confusion quickly turns to frustration, and quicker still to resolve.

“Do you know what we can get for $15?!”

“No sir.”

“We can get a heck of a lot more than a greasy McDonald’s hamburger for $15. The

government can change the cost of whatever they want, but what they can’t do is change its value. If I’m going to spend that much money, I demand far more than a low quality burger. And fortunately for us, we have a car and the freedom to choose, and we will choose something that is worth what we are going to pay.”

“It’s just as crazy as the government making companies pay a person with no experience

Strike for 15
Many restaurant chains around the country are installing kiosks to replace cashiers as a direct response to rising labor costs.

the same as they currently pay a manager. Since businesses have the freedom to choose what they spend their money on, they will choose a manager who is worth their $15 just like we will choose something that is actually worth our $15. Come on, Tiger. We’re going somewhere else.”

I grab his hand and we walk towards the door.

Thatcher and I walk out of McDonald’s determined never to darken their door again. A block down the road we find a Mexican restaurant and I get some delicious chicken fajitas for $8.99 and Thatcher gets a chicken quesadilla for $6.99.  Within a month, there were a lot of McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger Kings with “For Sale” signs on them…and a lot of burger flippers without a job.

 

An Apron, a Sketch, and Everything in Between

“Everyone to whom much was given….” (Luke 12:48)*

What sets you apart from everyone else?

My wife Nicole is ridiculously talented artistically. And whereas most artists’ talents are

Nicole Drawing
I can’t even write words so people can read them, and Nicole can draw people…PEOPLE!!

restricted to one or two mediums, Nicole’s abilities know no bounds. In fact, she loves finding something that is completely new to her and figuring out how to do it.

We all possess something that no one else does. It is a big part of what makes us unique. Whatever that gift is, whether it is a physical possession, a talent that is exceptional, or a personality characteristic that makes us stand out, we basically have two options of what we can do with it.

The first option is that we can use that gift to set us apart from others as someone to be admired or envied. When we do this, odds are, we will have a few people who we call “friends”. They will tend to be others with some exceptional gift (perhaps similar to ours, but not necessarily so) and our common bond will be our exceptionalism.

This approach isolates and creates a context from which the “gifted” look down on the plebeians as people who possess less value. One great risk of taking this route is that the second your “gift” is gone, those you once thought were friends will immediately cast you out among the commoners you looked down upon. That means that at the very moment you need your “friends” the most, they will completely abandon you.

Apron
Nicole’s line of luxury aprons ended up all over the world. This is from a photo shoot in Canada. Oh, and she designed the first aprons before she even knew how to sew.

Then there is a second option. Rather than using that with which you were blessed to bolster your personal image, you instead use it primarily as a means of blessing others. One is not likely to reach this conclusion from outside of a Judaeo Christian worldview which teaches that “Every good and perfect gift comes from above….” (James 1:17)  From that perspective, we have been entrusted with our gifts and since the ultimate source is God, we have no right to feel arrogant about it.

This approach, you will quickly find, produces some amazing results.

People who live like this are magnetic. They

Pirate Decor
Did I mention that she does parties? Yep, even pirate ones.

bring people together and something more akin to community takes place, rather than the isolation created by Option A. Secondly, and perhaps even more amazing than the first, you will discover that you actually get more enjoyment out of your gift when you allow others to enjoy it with you. There is a reason we try so hard to teach our children to share when they are young, and that is because it is genuinely Good.When you do Good things with your gifts, is it any surprise that Good things happen?

Nicole could very easily use her gifts to look down on others as less talented than she is, because quite frankly almost everyone is less artistically talented than she is. But the thing is, she doesn’t. Instead of viewing life through the prism of her gifts, she views her gifts through the prism of her Christian life. As a result, her gifts give her an amazing opportunity to bless others in her own unique way.

Easter Egg Table
And sometimes Nicole just goes all out so a bunch of kids will have a day they will never forget.

And bless she does!

How can you use your unique gifts to be a blessing to others?

 

 

*This is merely one application of this verse, and I first thought of the principle then the verse, rather than reaching the principle from the verse via exegesis.

Smile! Your Life May Depend On It.

You haven’t lived until you’ve been surrounded by an ever-growing angry mob of West African criminals.

“Not that old phrase!” you’re probably thinking.

Brian (me), Ryan and Jed (from left to right) in The Ivory Coast with our friends in Oume.

I know. I’ll try to use less common sayings from here on out. It just fit too well with the story I am about to tell you.

It was during the summer of 1998 or 99 and we were traveling through the countryside in Côte d’Ivoire (The Ivory Coast) and spotted a picturesque roadside market on the…side of the road. (Dadgummit! I walked right into that one.)

It was quite busy, so we carefully pulled in and found someplace to park. I was with two of my good friends, Ryan and Jed, and our wonderful host, Kuami.

Kuami is a fascinating and brilliant man. He is native to West Africa and spoke fluent English. His use of the word “dilapidated” caught me off guard one day when were walking, hand-in-hand (a custom there when in conversation, even among men…it made me feel funny) and carrying on a conversation.

But his linguistic acumen did not stop there. He taught English and German

This is Kuami, sporting his beautiful smile.
This is Kuami, sporting his beautiful smile.

and spoke fluently a total of 16 different languages and dialects.

The four of us split up and starting looking at the various wares for sale. We found a couple of handmade knickknacks for souvenirs, took a few pictures and re-grouped as we got ready to depart.

Before we got back to the car, though, two agitated men, in their early twenties, approached us and confronted Kuami.

I couldn’t understand a word that was being said, but the angry tone told me enough to make me nervous. We three skinny white boys watched as the discussion got more heated, glances were being made at Ryan, and Kuami was…smiling?!

Not a grin, or a smirk, or a nervous twitch. He was beaming! Smiling from ear to ear!

“Give me your camera.” Kuami said forcefully to Ryan with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Why do you want my camera?!” Ryan asked.

“These men are criminals and they saw you take a picture of them. They are afraid you are going to take it to the authorities. Give me your camera.” The smile never left his face.

Oh, lordy!

The tension continued to mount and more and more people were crowding around us. Not one had any interest in helping to ease the conflict, either. They were all starting to get worked up, and the crowd kept growing.

Kuami grabbed the camera. “Don’t give it to them!” Ryan said. “Just give them the film!”

We all reached forward and multiple nervous hands tried to pry open his camera. The men were shouting at us. I still couldn’t understand a word, but it was probably something like “Give us the camera!”

Finally the camera snapped open, revealing a partially used roll of film. Kuami aggressively started pulling out the film, just like they do in the movies. I don’t think cameras like that very much.

And as he was pulling it out, he still looked like he was happy as a clam! Who is this guy?!

Kuami quickly handed the film to the angry men, the open camera to Ryan, spoke a few words to them, then turned to us. “Let’s go.”

We pushed our way through the crowd, Kuami smiling at every person he could. Nobody was smiling back.

After we got to the car and locked the doors, Kuami turned the key and we were all wide-eyed, staring out the windows at all of the people surrounding the car and shouting.

As the car slowly eased forward, the crowd parted, and we were soon back on the road. I looked at Kuami, who was not smiling.

“Kuami, why were you smiling the whole time?!” I asked.

I have always remembered what he said next. And even though I already respected him, after this I respected him more.

“It is much harder to be angry at a person who has a smile on their face. It could have gotten really bad back there, so I was smiling to keep their anger from escalating.”

Good grief! This guy must be pretty accustomed to highly tense situations to have the presence of mind to think of that. And fortunately, he did. And we were all fine as a result of it.

So, as you’re going through your day, SMILE! Not just if you’re happy, but even if you would like to alleviate the anger of some criminals you happen to run into at the market.

Smiley Face

To My Valentine: So Much More than All Right

Lovely Pasture
Part of the view from our bedroom of the pasture.

As the sun makes its way over the horizon, the dew shimmers in the pasture below. I look beyond the balcony and watch the horses graze and see a couple of deer frolicking in the distance. I then make my way into the bathroom and start brushing my teeth, completely unmoved by what I had just seen.

When you live every day in the presence of something that is exceptional, you grow accustomed to it. Intellectually, you appreciate it, but it ceases to move you as it once did.

It doesn’t have to be the case, though. There is a way to avoid this pitfall, and I use it regularly. And since you and I are pretty tight, I would be more than happy to share with you the trick I employ to ensure that I am regularly entranced…by my wife.

Pretty Nicole Cropped
See! I told you she was pretty! This is pre-kids.

My wife, Nicole, is beautiful. And by beautiful, I mean stunning. She’s the kind of pretty where she can walk into a room full of people and 50% of the guys turn and say to the other 50% of the guys, “Who is THAT?!” Then they sheepishly look over their shoulders to make sure their wives didn’t hear them.

And what’s even more amazing is that after 7 and a half years of marriage and two kids, she continues to get even prettier! I’m not just saying that to be nice, either. It’s the truth. If I was a rapper (and I most definitely am not) I would frequently liken her to fine wine. You know, the whole “better with time” sort of thing.

Do I catch a dubious glint in your eye? “That’s very sweet of you, Brian. It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re supposed to say things like that.”

“Besides, you’re just some tall, lanky guy who stands with his toes pointing outwards, looking kind of goofy. In fact, your high school basketball coach, Coach Jenkins (you remember…the weird muscular one who had 19 inch arms, but insisted on wearing shirts sized to fit a small girl, so he had to cut the sleeves to maintain circulation beyond his shoulders, and everyone said he was a male stripper at the very classy “La-Bare”) used to affectionately call you “String Bean”.”

“How would you ever manage to catch a babe like that?”

Well, now you’re getting plain rude! And thanks a lot for reminding me about Coach Jenkins! Eeeesh!

Truth be told, I have no idea. But evidently she saw something in me that made her think she was “landing the big tuna”. (I just learned that phrase yesterday and figured if I didn’t use it now, I’d never get to.)

This past Christmas, looking as pretty as ever, she is sporting her white elephant spoils.
This past Christmas, looking as pretty as ever, she is sporting her white elephant spoils.

She even says that after dating me for only 2 weeks, she knew she was going to marry me. They say love is blind, so maybe that played into the equation.

But I don’t spend too much time wondering how I got her. I’m just thrilled that I did! Oh yeah, I was going to teach you my little trick.

When we get to go out in public together, which happens pretty rarely now since we have two young kids, this is what I do. It works really well at malls or large department stores.

When she goes off to look at something on her own, I know she is most likely going to eventually return. Assuming that, as I am looking at clothes, or other wares, I keep looking out for her in the distance, among the other people in the store.

I then perform some sort of odd mental gymnastics and put myself in someone else’s shoes. I am then some stranger, who happens to be shopping at that place and time.

As I lift my head and look in the distance, I catch a glimpse of blonde hair, slightly above the heads of the others in the women’s shoe section.

“That’s pretty hair,” I think. I then follow some very complex logic only a male would be capable of and deduce that pretty, blonde hair is typically on top of a pretty lady. So naturally, I continue following the hair with my eyes.

She continues walking perpendicularly to me, blocked from my view. At the end of the display, she turns, comes into full view and BAM! “Who is THAT?!” I whisper. And she knocks me off my feet all over again.

This trick may or may not work for you. But it’s worth a shot. If you have someone as spectacular as I do, anything that helps you continually appreciate him or her is priceless.

So here’s to my beautiful Valentine: Happy Valentine’s Day, Nicole! Thank you for being the best wife, mom, business partner, and companion I could have ever asked for. I love you like crazy and hope that you always feel loved by me. And did I mention….you sure are pretty!

P.S. This is the song that inspired the title, and it pretty accurately conveys how blessed I feel.

How are you going to make your Valentine feel special today?

Sometimes too Much of a Good Thing is…Simply Delicious!

It’s confession time, and boy do I have something to confess.

Last week, my good friend Jeff and I sat down and did something that we immediately regretted afterwards.

I’ve tried to forget about it; pretend it never happened. I’ve used desperate psychological techniques to attempt to force it into the far recesses of my psyche, where it will only come out when my subconscious comes to life at night and I wake up in a cold sweat.

Nothing has worked, however, and I still have to feel the bitter pangs of regret Chick Fil A Buildingevery single Friday, when we go to Chick Fil-A. (It’s called “Chick Fil-A Friday” for a reason, my friends!)

I like to eat healthy, most of the time…during the weekdays, but not on Friday night. (That’s when my wife, Nicole, and I get Papa Murphy’s Pizza, Cheddar’s, or some other very high calorie meal.)

But starting Monday, up through, and including lunch on Friday, my diet is pretty strictly regimented…or so I thought!

“So what did you do?!” you ask.

Okay, I’ll come clean. Jeff and I sat down together, with an iPhone, to determine exactly how healthy our Chick Fil-A Friday outings were. The results were devastating!

Allow me to walk you through it. We’ll just pretend I’m ordering.

“I would like a spicy chicken sandwich please (490 calories)…deluxe, that is (+80 calories).”Chick Fil A Spicey Chicken

“Would you like fries sir?”

“Well, since you asked, yes. (400 calories) Oh, and why don’t we make it a large. I’m famished!” (+120 calories)

“And to drink, Brian?”

“I would like half Sprite and half diet lemonade, please.” (95 calories)  This drink they now affectionately call a “Brian Palmer”, which gives you an idea of how frequently I go there.

“Why don’t we make that a large.” (+50 calories)

“That’ll be $7.65, sir.” (Yes, that’s exactly how much it costs.)

I know what you’re thinking. “Brian, that’s not too bad. Plenty of people eat lunches that total one thousand, two hundred and thirty five calories!”

Thank you very much for your reassurance. But unfortunately, I’m not done. It’s the next question that really gets me.

“Would you like sauce with that?”

“I appreciate you asking, kind lady. I sure would! May I have three tiny Chick Fil-A sauces and three, seemingly innocuous BBQ sauces, please.”

“My pleasure,” she says, as she passes a 6-inch stack of sauces across the counter. (That stack of sauces just added another 555 calories to my otherwise “light and healthy” lunch. A small price to pay for so much deliciousness, though.)

Prior to this fateful day, I would then sit down and blissfully enjoy my meal. Little did I know, by the time I walked out the door, and ordered one refill for the road, (+145 calories) I would have consumed a total of 1885 calories.

That means that in less than half an hour, I ate 115 calories less than what the FDA recommends I consume in a total of 24 hours. But what do they know?! Pyramid, schmeeramid!!

Sometimes, I will get the Cobb Salad (which keeps me at around 700 calories). But this is still my big treat of the week. The service there is amazing, the employees are kind, and the food is always delicious.

Who’s up for some Chick Fil-A? See you Friday!

 

 

 

Intolerable Petroleum Preservation and Protection Apparatus…ses

gas-canWe really try to keep our blog fun and light-hearted…but sometimes, you just gotta vent. Oh, the title? I wanted one government-worthy, since they’re at the heart of the issue.

Have you ever seen one of these before? I don’t even need to ask if you’ve ever used one, because if you have it has already triggered the same visceral response you get when you realize your license is about to expire and you’ll have to go camp out at the DMV.

The first time you used one is still a vivid memory, because the intense frustration it causes sears it into your brain almost as vividly as the first time you see the beautiful woman you would eventually marry.

It’s called an “Auto Shutoff” and it’s a new kind of gas can safety device. I suppose it technically is, because the safest thing you can do with gas is, well…NOTHING! It’s best that you just leave it in the can. There’s no danger at all, if you don’t pour out a single drop. If you do manage to figure it out though, I hope you are wearing galoshes, because you’re about to pour it all over the frickin’ place.

Well, here is how my “first time” went:

I went down to the barn recently to…you guessed it: get some gas. I needed to mix up a gallon of fuel for the Weed Eater for the last “weed eating” of the year. I would say that, in total, we have about 16 different gas cans in the barn, ranging from practically antique to still red and shiny.

I noticed that one of them looked really new, but it had some crazy contraption built around the nozzle. I steered clear of that one, and started checking the other 15 to see which ones still had gas in them. I shook my head back and forth as I rattled the last gas can and didn’t even hear a minute splash. I really didn’t want to drive to the gas station for a single gallon of gas, so I was pretty pleased when I picked up the odd can and it was still full. (Now I know why.)

I took the nozzle (with no “safety features” at all on it, thank you very much) off of the one gallon and poured in the mix. Next, I looked over at ole’ red. “It looks like you press this down”, I thought. So I pressed a little lever down and it stayed. “Nice!”

I picked it up and started to pour. Nothin’!

I set it down and took a closer look at this new-fangled device that was obviously intended to keep me from somehow hurting myself. “Ahhh, I see!” It has a twisty part too. I didn’t notice that the first time. So, I made sure the lever was pressed down, then I twisted the green part and let go. It springs right back.

“I’m gettin’ this.” (These short phrases are my internal dialogue during this process. I edit out all of the expletives, though. Don’t worry.)

I see that I have to twist the green thing, pick up the 28 pound gas can, pour the gas, and try to make it into the other can all at the same time. I can assure you that at no point in the process did I think to myself, “Man, this sure is safe!”

I began the aforementioned task that requires a level of multi-tasking I rarely undertake and….not a drop.

“Well, for Pete’s sake!” (See, I told you.)

The next attempt, I was somehow pressing down the lever while twisting the green thing, as I am lifting, tilting, aiming and pour…nope! “What the…!”
I set it back down and tried for at least 5 more minutes to dream up some magical combination of twisting, pressing and pouring that would give me access to the necessary liquid. I never managed to get a single drop of fuel out through that wonderful safety nozzle. And you know what? I’m not the least bit ashamed. I’d like to see you try it.

At this point I was quite frustrated (so there won’t be any more internal dialogue quoted). I set the can down and simply took the entire nozzle with its magical frickin’ safety device off and poured straight out of that can into the other one. Did I spill some? Uh-huh. A good bit more than I would have if I had an “un-safe” nozzle? You betcha. But I got my mixed fuel made and went to do some weed eatin’.

What’s the moral of the story? There isn’t one. But I can tell you this: If I am ever president, (and it could happen) the first day I am in office, I am going to outlaw those safety devices in our country. I will then collect them, ship them overseas and replace all of our enemies’ gas cans with those dastardly safety cans, then sit back and relax.

I am convinced that those safety nozzles alone will so obstruct the day-to-day operations of any nation as to eventually result in its economic collapse. I think they have a better chance of increasing safety that way than any other.

The 4 Year-Old Theologian

Handsome Super Man

Do you know if “napping” is an actual spiritual gift? If it is, it would make sense. I mean…I am really good at it. And one’s passions and gifts are often aligned. You just try asking me about naps. My face will light up with joy as the discussion of one of life’s legitimate pleasures commences!

I plan on doing some research on it, starting by reading through the New Testament and writing down all of the passages where naps are mentioned. Then I’ll grab the concordance and do a word study, going through every instance where the word “pancake” is used. Based on my experience today, if that food is referenced, then “nap”, “napping”, “will soon nap”, “hath nappeth”, or some other conjugation of the Greek verb “nappos” will be right around the corner.

This afternoon at 3:30, Thatcher and I had just gotten up from our very pleasant Sunday afternoon nap. Nicole was out grocery shopping and we were relaxing and gradually waking up on the couch, he with his Ipad, and me with my Kindle. My brother, Allen, had just sent me a link to an individual’s web site and recommended I check it out. I was reading an article* he had written about his own conversion when this conversation between Thatcher and me took place.

Warning: The text of this conversation has not been altered in any way to protect the ignorant (me) or the innocent (Thatcher). This is exactly as it took place.

“Daddy, do you want to play one of these games?” Thatcher said as he looked up from his Ipad.

“Not right now, tiger. I’m reading an article in a magazine (on my kindle).”

Thatcher: “What’s an article?”

Me: “It’s like a story in a magazine.”

Thatcher: “I don’t like magazines, do I?”

Me: “Well, this is a story for adults. It’s about how a man became a Christian.”

Thatcher: “What’s a Christian?”

Me: “It’s a person who has dedicated their lives to Jesus.”

Thatcher: “Do I have it?”

Me: “Do you love Jesus?”

Thatcher: “I do.”

Me: “He loves you too.”

Thatcher: “But I don’t want to go to heaven. Do you Daddy?”

Me: “Yes, but not now. Right now, I’m here with you guys.” Daddy and Thatcher fist-bump.

Thatcher: “When, Daddy.”

Me: “That’s not for me to decide.”

Thatcher: “Who does then?”

Me: “God.”

Thatcher got pensive as he processed and then goes back to playing his Frisbee game on his Ipad.

It’s fun having a 4-year old who is inquisitive. Oh wait…every 4-year old is inquisitive. Oh well.

I do love my Thatcher.

*

The article I was reading was “The Golden Fish: How God Woke Me Up in a Dream” by Eric Metaxes
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/june/golden-fish-eric-metaxas.html

Chubby Digit Sundays

In Joplin, Missouri, we know tornadoes…and ice storms. Last week we had our third in the last 6 years.

The evening was cold and wet. It had been drizzling for the past ten hours and maintaining a steady temperature between 30 and 32 degrees. We were sitting in the living room interacting with our multitudinous digital devices when we heard a great crash.

“Whu THA?!” Chandler our two-year-old daughter says when she hears a sound she can’t identify.

Someone needs to investigate. The deck was so icy that Nicole didn’t want to walk out onto it, so she went upstairs, out onto the balcony, and observed verifiable truth that guardian angels directly influence women’s driving. If they didn’t, well, you know…

Nicole had originally parked my Yukon right where that tree fell. Fortunately, she came back out and moved it over a bit. Not a scratch!
Nicole had originally parked my Yukon right where that tree fell. Fortunately, she came back out and moved it over a bit. Not a scratch!

She had taken my SUV on a brief errand earlier in the day before it was too bad to drive and had parked it where she typically does her vehicle. After getting out, she reconsidered and moved the car over one parking space. The loud crash we had heard was the sound of two 25 foot ice laden sections of our beloved river birch trees falling precisely where Nicole had parked it before being prompted by the heavens to scoot it over a bit. It was so close, in fact, that the driver’s side door was pinned by the bent smaller branches.

The drizzling continued through most of the night. We awoke that Sunday morning with the glorious sun a-shining. It looked like the land of Narnia while in the midst of its perpetual state of winter. The deck was covered in ice and the birch branches were bent within two or three feet of the deck and looked like they would snap at any moment.

I looked over at my vehicle and noticed a slight, unnatural bend in the 70 foot sycamore just beyond it. Precarious was the word that came to mind. Between the fallen branches, and the ones weighed down by ice, there was no way I could move my car, but move it I must! I now knew my mission for the day. Let Operation Yukon Rescue begin!

First, Nicole and I decided it would be a good idea to try to lighten the load on the trees by melting some of the ice, thus giving the Yukon safe passage to the East. There are multiple ways to melt ice, and Nicole suggested spraying water on the branches with the hose, which had worked for her before. After locating a hose at the barn that wasn’t frozen, setting it up, ramming an oscillating sprinkler into the ground at an awkward angle, and turning the water on, Nicole and I sat back and watched.

“Is it melting the ice?” Nicole asked.

“I can’t tell,” I responded. “It’s pretty darn cold outside, you know. It might just be freezing on the branches, thus worsening the situation.” (That’s a retrospective paraphrase of my response, but the intent is accurate.)

We waited longer.

Now we weren’t just cold, but the introduction of water had created mud in the flower bed, and Nicole had gotten sprayed in the face twice by the sprinkler as she tried to set it up properly. What?! It was her idea, so I figured it would be best for her to attempt to execute it!

“CRACK!” went the section of the tree we were trying to salvage.

“Abort! Abort!” I ran to the faucet and turned off the sprinkler. It seemed we were indeed making the situation worse. Time for Plan B.

“Fire usually melts ice,” I thought. “And there is a fire pit on our deck. Why don’t I start a fire in the fire pit on the deck and see if it melts some ice off of the trees?” Sometimes we initially overlook the obvious.

Do you know what it’s like to fear triggering an avalanche? I do now! I spent half of the afternoon treading lightly on the ice covered deck, constantly tense as the entire canopy above me seemed as if it could collapse at any moment. Any time the breeze picked up, the branches above would crack and I would run for cover. If I were a smoker, I would have chain smoked all afternoon just to ease the tension.

Did I mention that it was cold?

I can handle working outside in the cold. I’m pretty rugged, you know. A friend of the elements, you might even say. I do have a weak spot, though…my Achilles heel in chilly climes. You get the point.

While the rest of my body remains quite warm, my fingers, regardless of how thick the gloves, pretty quickly get cold. I blow warm air into my gloves, shake my hands, stick them under my arm pits, (which does absolutely nothing!) anything I can think of to get Jack Frost to stop nipping at my, um, fingers. Nothing works! And shortly after they get cold, they just plum start to hurt. That’s when I typically throw in the towel. It’s why I’ve often mentioned that I wish I had chubby digits. A friend with whom I work outside has, well, chubbier digits than I. His fingers never get cold! I’ll be doing all the above mentioned things to warm mine up, and Captain Chubby Digits over there isn’t even wearing gloves!

I really wouldn’t want them all the time, though. I like the appearance of my fingers just fine. But it would be nice to have them on occasion. I’ll have to sit down with Santa next year and see what he can do.

I finally got the frozen logs burning well (after the 4th attempt) and set out to release my Yukon from its cage of icy limbs. I began with hand tools because both the kids were taking a nap, but soon reached a point where something more powerful was necessary.

The kids were up now, so I went down to the barn and grabbed the big daddy…the largest chain saw on the property…the Echo CS-600P. It had a new chain on it so it cut through the trees like butter. It was a little overkill, I suppose; but sometimes you gotta take control (or something along those lines). Anyway, it was one of the more enjoyable aspects of the afternoon.

I cut up the branches and dragged them into the grass, all the while glancing above me to make sure I wasn’t about to be crushed by falling branches. The car didn’t have a scratch. Thank you, Nicole’s automotive guardian angel!

We maneuvered my car out from under all of the trees, and by the time the evening was upon us, I had three roaring fire pits on the deck. The next morning, things were slightly better and by the following day, the sun was out and the ice falling off of the trees sounded like you were in a hail storm. No more major branches broke, fortunately, and although there was a good bit of cleanup after it was all over, it was not disastrous.

Hopefully we’re done with ice storms for a while, though.