Times were tough and finances were scarce as they often are in the early stages of a relationship for this young couple. There was also a baby on the way, which made things even more stressful. Marriage and the birth of a child are both beautiful events, but context can change everything. Throw in a little poverty, a rushed marriage due to an unplanned pregnancy, and you’re looking at a messy start to a new family. There would definitely be some hushed whispers from the old-timers if this unwed, expecting couple walked into your local Baptist church.
“Life is not going to be easy for that child,” the gray-haired man whispers to his hunched over wife. His words were more accurate than he could have ever imagined.
We’ve all met young families like this one. When you’re in their presence you can feel the undercurrent of stress. Getting to know them well is difficult because dealing with their own issues consumes most of their time and energy. They can be kind, but they’re also scared as they navigate completely foreign ground, not knowing what the next step is going to look like. After a short interaction, they walk away and we feel a twinge of sympathy for them, knowing they’re getting off to a rough start. Life can be challenging when things are good, but when life throws you a few curve balls (or we make a few bad decisions) the chances of thriving can be greatly diminished.
Underlying our thoughts about this particular couple is a simple phrase that we rarely come right out and say… “They really screwed this up.” After this thought come the more specific criticisms:
“Everybody knows you shouldn’t get pregnant before you get married.”
“They really should have waited until they were in a better financial position before they even entertained the thought of marriage.”
“If only they had been active in church things would have been different.”
In short, they had made decisions we knew better than to make and now they’re suffering the consequences. Truth be told, we feel that way about a lot of people: the 35 year-old single mom working the cash register at McDonald’s; the janitor in his fifties at WalMart; the young couple walking out of Food-4-Less carrying a baby. We shake our heads as they carry their crying baby past us, loaded down with groceries, and continue walking out of the parking lot to the trailer park a half mile down the road.
“I’m so glad I made better decisions than they did,” we think to ourselves.
We feel sorry for all of these people, believing that even though God loves them, there is no way this could have been what He intended their lives to look like. God’s plan A had long since been aborted. At best, they are on Plan B. More likely, though, we’re seeing D or E, because they blew A through C a long time ago.
It’s one thing to feel sympathy for someone else and the disastrous predicament he or she might have created. It’s something else entirely when we are the ones living in the midst of the messy, stress-saturated life.
You are completely blind-sided as your spouse of 18 years walks out the door, straight into the arms of another.
You have a stack of bills that are due and your checking account balance is negative. Your heart starts racing every time you see a tow truck, because you know it very well could be coming to repossess your car that you desperately need to get to and from your job.
You’ve tried your best to do everything right, and yet you find yourself in a job you absolutely despise. When you get home every evening, all you can think of is the fact that you have to go back there tomorrow…and the next day, and the next. A few drinks provide your only reprieve.
During these times, the paradigm through which you view everything can be altered. I don’t know if there is a phrase for “the opposite of rose colored glasses”, but there definitely should be.
“I’ve really screwed this all up. And what’s worse is that I have no idea how to fix it. I used to believe that God had a plan for my life, but there is no way in the world I’m still in it. I know how I thought my life would look at this point, but this looks like a disaster! I know the Lord is disappointed in me, and I don’t blame Him.”
As these thoughts more fully influence our thinking, and we buy into the idea that there’s no way God’s plan for our life could possibly account for our own stupidity and disobedience, our faith gradually dissipates. With it, so does any peace we once had.
For some reason, we’ve come to believe that a loving God’s plan for our life is supposed to be pretty. If things are a mess, then that’s on us and “God’s beautiful plan” for our lives is only something that could have taken place. But not now. Now it’s up to us to attempt to salvage something from this mess we’ve created.
But what if we’re wrong?
A man spending years rotting in prison for attempted rape is surely getting what he deserves. We would never dream of telling him he’s right where God wants him to be.
A woman on the streets, selling her shame-soaked body to complete strangers is beyond hope. God could never use someone who stooped that low.
A vengeful fanatic seeking out and murdering his enemies would be well beyond the reach of God’s love. There’s bound to be a special place in hell for a person like that!
We’d likely look at each of these three people as a lost cause. Heck! They make our messes look pretty good!
But what if life isn’t only within its proper bounds when it’s close to ideal? What if our lives can become absolutely brutal and we can feel like we’ve screwed everything up, but we can still put our trust in a loving God and His plan for us? What if, in His grand wisdom and knowledge of all things, He had already accounted for this “mess” and it had been a central part of His plan all along? And what if His love for you never wavered for a moment, even when you were at your worst?
The young man who spent some of his best years rotting in prison had not been forgotten. He was the very person God chose to become the second most powerful person in the world. Even though he was a spoiled, obnoxious child, God used his hardships and time in prison to change his heart and allow him to forgive his brothers who had betrayed him years ago. God blessed him with incredible wisdom that He then used to ensure the survival of the people of Israel. The story of Joseph has inspired and given hope to millions, and the phrase, “What man meant for evil, God meant for good” has allowed us to view our worst situations (and people) as fully within God’s plans.
Every night as the prostitute cried herself to sleep God heard her prayers. And once she met Him, the very life that brought her unimaginable shame, now fully forgiven, became the source of the great love she had for her Savior. She would then use the perfume that had assisted her in luring others into sin to anoint Jesus in a way that will be spoken of for all time, because of its meaning and beauty.
Selfishness, disobedience, sexual impurity….maybe God can forgive and use people who have those flaws. But a murderer?! Surely that person was beyond God’s ability to salvage. And yet, as if He was attempting to show us how little we think of the power of His redemption, He takes this very self-righteous man, gives him a new name, and makes Paul one of the founders of His church.
What if a young couple with a scandalous marriage, living in poverty, with severed relationships with much of their community wasn’t a hopeless case from God’s perspective. In fact, what if He thinks so differently about life’s circumstances than we do that He chose this young husband and wife to bear the greatest honor of any couple yet to walk the earth? That’s exactly what He did when he used them to bring His Son into this world. A king was born in scandal, obscurity, and poverty, and yet His life, death and resurrection flipped this life on its head. Our messes, previously a source of shame, fear, and doubt, once exposed to the light of His redemption, can become something beautiful.
It’s almost impossible to stop viewing our own lives from our perspective, through a lens of judgment and condemnation. But as we get to know Him better, a new perspective gradually emerges. Then one night as you quietly lean over and kiss the forehead of your precious, sleeping children, knowing you would do absolutely anything in the world for them, even if it meant giving your own life, it dawns on you….
“He loves me like this!”
And everything changes.
to experiencing constant pain and not even being able to take a sip of coffee. (I’m sorry. I should have warned you that this was going to get ugly.) The doctors couldn’t figure it out and prescription medications had zero effect.
You get to choose the role fear plays in your life. Fear can’t actually do anything to you at all! It is all bark and no bite. It is simply a vague idea that things won’t go in a way that you prefer if you take a particular course of action. And by the time you reach the point where you are willing to kick fear in the teeth, you realize it never had any in the first place. My fear told me I wouldn’t get another chance, and I was dumb enough to believe it.
I told her what to pack for a weekend trip, but other than that, she had no clue what we were doing or where we were going. We got in the car and I handed her a manila envelope. She opened it, and on page one, there were directions. Where to? It didn’t say.
of sheep and an orangutan, we were ready to head out. We got in the car, Nicole pulled out the manila envelope, and turned to page two, and thirty minutes later we pulled up at The Intercontinental Hotel in The Plaza, our favorite outdoor shopping area in Kansas City.
I saw who it was and immediately pushed them back, stepped outside and shut the door! It was the concierge with a silver platter full of decorative chocolate covered strawberries…that was supposed to arrive after we had left for dinner! I quickly made that clear and stepped back in. “It was the wrong number…room number,” I said, and probably sighed a little too loud.
“Nicole Chandler Phillips, the last year has been the best year of my life…..and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Nicole, will you marry me?”
Actually, he exceeded my expectations, most likely because of his earlier visit. There were not just beautiful chocolate covered strawberries, there was champagne, and it looked like a dozen rose bushes had exploded. There were rose petals everywhere!
By Brian Phillips 